Tag Archives: satire

50th Birthday card I’d like to see!

 

So You’re 50!

 

Don’t get too excited you’re not the first one to make it this far.

Hey remember when you were 40! Oh sorry you probably don’t remember things that far back.

 

Just a few things to remember (if you can);

  • Just cut it really short because we all know it is a comb-over
  • Don’t laugh too hard unless you’re already sitting on the toilet
  • Don’t wear tight pants for any reason at all. Even if forced to do so at gunpoint.
  • White socks don’t go with black shoes
  • Cardigans add 20 years to your age
  • Yes, the neighbours do hate you
  • You walk too slow.
  • Young people look at you because they see themselves in 30 years and get scared 

Hope you have a great day and enjoy your roast beef dinner.

 

 

This guy – dudetics

I once knew this guy a friend of a friend of mine

His mindset buried in time

Probably not worth this rhyme

Mentally unbalanced and existentially challenged

Emotionally callous

and fixated on his phallus

Dreams of fame and money led this guy in one direction

Satisfying carnal desires

with uninspired apprehension

The emptiness inside finally ate on through the surface

You could see it in his eyes

This guy was living with no purpose

Anger tweeted him so he reacted and retweeted

Afraid to start all over

He got drunk and #hashbag weeded

Conceived a plan of domination where he was still the victim

Attacked someone for being there

Where all could see and listen

A simple mind procrastinates and waits for it’s reward

grows angry at it’s failures while

The rest of us grow bored

This guy believed the lies of fame and easy money rants

Never took the time to use his mind

Fixated on his pants

You know Tom Cruise has been in your house when…

  • All religious books have been assessed and corrected.
  • Any left-over placenta in the fridge has been eaten
  • You sofa has been jumped on (and probably broken) also tears of joy have stained your sofa pillows.
  • Your phone has been use to dial intergalactic numbers
  • Any one-piece silver suits have been worn (and probably soiled).
  • All Mathematical and Scientific books have been altered and corrected wherever necessary.
  • Your entire house has been Feng Shuied.
  • You find a few wedding ring cases as he has probably been married a few more times since visiting your place.
  • Every Sudoku puzzle has been done and don’t bother checking them because they are correct.
  • Every Tom Cruise DVD that you have has now been signed and the invoices are waiting there to be paid.
  • He has pre-adopted you a child that is currently in transit but will arrive shortly. You’re welcome.
  • Your house has been used to film  his latest “Save  the world” action movie.
  • Your goldfish has been mentally abused into believing that it doesn’t really need water.
  • Everything is positively charged.

10 things Tom Cruise would never say and really mean

1. I know I’m ugly

2. I love Suri more than I love myself

3. I just got into Scientology to meet chicks

4. I just got into Scientology for the cool silver suede unitard

5. Why was I the Last Samurai?

6. I laugh so much to hide my tears of pain

7. I’ve blown too much money on Scientology to quit now

8. All religions brainwash their followers into doing crazy stuff, now hold my iPhone while I slay Xenu with my lightsaber

9. Maybe I don’t know everything

10. How many times have I been married again?

10 Things Women would never say and really mean

1. You can do it your way, I’m fine with that.

2. I’m never going to speak to her again.

3. Let’s just drop it.

4. I don’t care how I look.

5. I believe that you want to advance your career to help better support our family, and not just for personal gain.

6. I only use facebook so I know when my friends are having their birthday, so I can send them an eCard.

7. You choose dinner tonight.

8. I need your help.

9. I don’t care if you agree with me or not, just answer the question.

10. You forgot! That is ok we all forget sometimes, you’re only human.

10 things Lawyers would never say and really mean.

1. My parents are so proud of me

2. I promise to never abuse the legal system to my financial advantage

3. People respect me

4. I was just going over the books and realised that I owe you money

5. I hope you and your wife work things out

6. I don’t see the need to sue them

7. Yeah but you got to consider human emotion

8. I’m doing the community a much needed service

9. Don’t divorce , think of the children

10. “No your honor do not send him to jail, I will take his place.”