Tag Archives: comedy

10 things Barack Obama would never say and really mean

1. Why would I take action when all they want are words?

2. I know all of the white house as well as all of the power rangers have got my back

3. I’m just like the average Joe, I put my presidential pyjamas on one leg at a time

4. I articulate my words extremely well so that people listen to how I speak rather than what I say

5. Dude, where’s my teleprompter?

6. Dude, where ‘s my cigarettes?

7. I’m not muslim, I’m not even Christian as a matter of fact I’m just a walking hologram and the white house is an open air television studio

8.  Yes we can, bring America closer to the third world

9. Comrades… whoops.

10. Here is my birth certificate

10 things real estate agents would never say and really mean

1. I personally wouldn’t go for this one

2. With your bad credit you’re essentially buying a coffin

3. I don’t own a house, owning is for suckers

4. We had the previous owners re-paint over all the blood stains

5. I’m actually a used car salesman moonlighting as a real estate agent

6. You might as well just give me the keys, I’ll kick you in the nuts and we’ll call it a day

7. You may pay me commission but I pay commission to Satan

8. Once this sale is over I’ll duplicate these keys and raid your fridge while you’re at work

9. It’s a nice neighbourhood if you’re into Satanic Ritual Sacrifice

10. It may be a crap house but hey you look like a crap person

10 things Tom Cruise would never say and really mean

1. I know I’m ugly

2. I love Suri more than I love myself

3. I just got into Scientology to meet chicks

4. I just got into Scientology for the cool silver suede unitard

5. Why was I the Last Samurai?

6. I laugh so much to hide my tears of pain

7. I’ve blown too much money on Scientology to quit now

8. All religions brainwash their followers into doing crazy stuff, now hold my iPhone while I slay Xenu with my lightsaber

9. Maybe I don’t know everything

10. How many times have I been married again?

10 Things Women would never say and really mean

1. You can do it your way, I’m fine with that.

2. I’m never going to speak to her again.

3. Let’s just drop it.

4. I don’t care how I look.

5. I believe that you want to advance your career to help better support our family, and not just for personal gain.

6. I only use facebook so I know when my friends are having their birthday, so I can send them an eCard.

7. You choose dinner tonight.

8. I need your help.

9. I don’t care if you agree with me or not, just answer the question.

10. You forgot! That is ok we all forget sometimes, you’re only human.

10 things Lawyers would never say and really mean.

1. My parents are so proud of me

2. I promise to never abuse the legal system to my financial advantage

3. People respect me

4. I was just going over the books and realised that I owe you money

5. I hope you and your wife work things out

6. I don’t see the need to sue them

7. Yeah but you got to consider human emotion

8. I’m doing the community a much needed service

9. Don’t divorce , think of the children

10. “No your honor do not send him to jail, I will take his place.”