Category Archives: SAY WHAT?!/!

satire and comedy

Pregnancy Card I’d like to see!

Congratulations on the little bundle of joy that’s on the way!

Welcome to the constipation train

  • Food will be served at any random inconvenient time
  • Today’s menu consists of absolutely anything decided upon at the last minute
  • Today’s forecast is sunny with a few showers and the chance of a nervous breakdown
  • But do not at any time discuss the forecast
  • The Smell alert for today is Extremely High
  • And inanimate objects will suddenly appear in your walking path
  • The toilet will become you’re new resting place
  • If you do decide to have a sleep please remember to change positions every 3 minutes for optimal relaxation

Lot’s of luck and may God have mercy on your soul!

50th Birthday card I’d like to see!

 

So You’re 50!

 

Don’t get too excited you’re not the first one to make it this far.

Hey remember when you were 40! Oh sorry you probably don’t remember things that far back.

 

Just a few things to remember (if you can);

  • Just cut it really short because we all know it is a comb-over
  • Don’t laugh too hard unless you’re already sitting on the toilet
  • Don’t wear tight pants for any reason at all. Even if forced to do so at gunpoint.
  • White socks don’t go with black shoes
  • Cardigans add 20 years to your age
  • Yes, the neighbours do hate you
  • You walk too slow.
  • Young people look at you because they see themselves in 30 years and get scared 

Hope you have a great day and enjoy your roast beef dinner.

 

 

You know Tom Cruise has been in your house when…

  • All religious books have been assessed and corrected.
  • Any left-over placenta in the fridge has been eaten
  • You sofa has been jumped on (and probably broken) also tears of joy have stained your sofa pillows.
  • Your phone has been use to dial intergalactic numbers
  • Any one-piece silver suits have been worn (and probably soiled).
  • All Mathematical and Scientific books have been altered and corrected wherever necessary.
  • Your entire house has been Feng Shuied.
  • You find a few wedding ring cases as he has probably been married a few more times since visiting your place.
  • Every Sudoku puzzle has been done and don’t bother checking them because they are correct.
  • Every Tom Cruise DVD that you have has now been signed and the invoices are waiting there to be paid.
  • He has pre-adopted you a child that is currently in transit but will arrive shortly. You’re welcome.
  • Your house has been used to film  his latest “Save  the world” action movie.
  • Your goldfish has been mentally abused into believing that it doesn’t really need water.
  • Everything is positively charged.

10 things Barack Obama would never say and really mean

1. Why would I take action when all they want are words?

2. I know all of the white house as well as all of the power rangers have got my back

3. I’m just like the average Joe, I put my presidential pyjamas on one leg at a time

4. I articulate my words extremely well so that people listen to how I speak rather than what I say

5. Dude, where’s my teleprompter?

6. Dude, where ‘s my cigarettes?

7. I’m not muslim, I’m not even Christian as a matter of fact I’m just a walking hologram and the white house is an open air television studio

8.  Yes we can, bring America closer to the third world

9. Comrades… whoops.

10. Here is my birth certificate

10 things real estate agents would never say and really mean

1. I personally wouldn’t go for this one

2. With your bad credit you’re essentially buying a coffin

3. I don’t own a house, owning is for suckers

4. We had the previous owners re-paint over all the blood stains

5. I’m actually a used car salesman moonlighting as a real estate agent

6. You might as well just give me the keys, I’ll kick you in the nuts and we’ll call it a day

7. You may pay me commission but I pay commission to Satan

8. Once this sale is over I’ll duplicate these keys and raid your fridge while you’re at work

9. It’s a nice neighbourhood if you’re into Satanic Ritual Sacrifice

10. It may be a crap house but hey you look like a crap person

10 things Tom Cruise would never say and really mean

1. I know I’m ugly

2. I love Suri more than I love myself

3. I just got into Scientology to meet chicks

4. I just got into Scientology for the cool silver suede unitard

5. Why was I the Last Samurai?

6. I laugh so much to hide my tears of pain

7. I’ve blown too much money on Scientology to quit now

8. All religions brainwash their followers into doing crazy stuff, now hold my iPhone while I slay Xenu with my lightsaber

9. Maybe I don’t know everything

10. How many times have I been married again?